A note

In blog on October 15, 2009 at 7:10 pm

Just now, while I was driving home, I was thinking and wondering, what did I do to deserve a life like this?

Did I do many sinful things for the past 20 years?

Or is this just I have to go through no matter what?

It’s like, since year 1 till now, coming to the end of year 3, I find that I didn’t achieve much.

I kept wondering, who actually have me in their mind? Who takes me as someone that they are afraid to lose contact with? What’s gonna happen after poly? Will my close friends degrade to just hi bye friends in the future?

It is unbelievable that for this whole holiday, I only met some of the friends that i considered close once. I would have used work as an excuse because I have simply no time, but I just feel there are more than just that. Maybe because I don’t feel the enthusiasm at all? Don’t have the feeling that they’ll look foward to it, don’t have the feeling that they really want it.

Worrying for every actions I do almost every minute, thinking of the damn what ifs every second. Don’t want to know what will happen in the future. Seriously, why the hell do I have to go through this? How do I stand, WHAT am I in their heart? How much do they remember me? Do they only remember me only when I jump up and say hey I’m right here?

Why do people only do things I tell them only when I remind them and after awhile? Things just go back to normal. And I won’t dare to remind them again.

And who can I trust? People tell me to trust them, or maybe its just a non-verbal thing. But seriously, how many freaking times am I left out of the dark when decisions are made without me knowing and when people say I’m a nice person, do they really mean that? I seriously don’t know.

For so many years of course I’d want people to treat me as important, and from the right person, the right people, but do I get the importance that makes me feel normal? I don’t think so.

  1. haha i guess everyone feels this way, because i feel this way almost all the time about almost everyone. i may not remember stuff and i may not be enthusiastic all the time but know then when you have a problem, you can always complain to me because God knows i also need someone to complain to. so let’s be Complain Royalty kay. Cheer up! 🙂


  2. very sentimental post, gyver. well, you know who will be the friends you will keep in touch with forever, once u graduate. and those would be the friends that u would really really want to keep!(: cheers, gyver! cya in sch soon!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: